How to Create Meaningful Connections!
I love connection. I’m definitely not someone who enjoys mega alone time. I’d rather be sharing a cocktail, dancing to Fleetwood Mac with friends and singing all the lyrics badly with my besties than watching a whole netflix series on my own, on the couch.
Maybe this is because I grew up in a crazy arse household with 5 younger brothers who were constantly playing knee footy and getting in the way of my afternoon Brady Bunch tv show. We had a big extended family and Nan, Pop, Grandma, Grandpa, Aunts, Uncles and cousins were always popping in. It was loud, it was funny and I remember lots of boisterous activity, jovial banter and love.
However lots of people and even feeling love does not automatically result in meaningful connection. Meaningful connection hits hard. It takes work and we need to pull out some of the big guns to create it, such as loyalty, honesty, integrity and respect.
Our relationships see many seasons and we weather the storms of change, as we grow and as the people we share our lives with, grow and change too.
Brene Brown defines connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.
I totally agree with this quote but I want to know how you do those things effectively.
I have thought about this intensely and for a long period of time because it is important to me. After much consideration, research and contemplation here are 5 tips that I believe you can use to create meaningful connections in your life.
5 Tips for Meaningful Connection in your life.
- Listen without the urge to offer your opinion. Listen without judgement. Listen without tapping out.
For people to connect they need to feel ‘seen, heard and valued’ and that means we must give them psychological air to talk and say what they feel without interruption, giving advice, talking about oneself or projecting any judgement on what they are saying.
As hard as it can be sometimes, simply sit in the conversation and empathise with the emotion.
For example, if someone is telling you they feel frustrated that they have been passed over for promotion, simply acknowledge the pain of that. ‘That must be hard for you’. You do not have to fix it, just acknowledge the person’s emotions and watch how your bond increases.
Most people just want you to hear what’s in their heart and that is enough. Most people just want to be understood without judgement.
Simply listening to people you care about is SO underrated. This means really listening with interest, empathy and concern and NOT turning the story into something about you or aimlessly losing concentration for what the other person is saying.
Stay present. Stay open. Stay silent. Watch your connections improve.
I remember I did my son a great disservice and one that he still talks about today. Have I scarred him for life? Please dear universe…no!
He disagreed with the teacher's opinion in class about the topic they were discussing. The teacher came and found me (as I was also working at the school) and basically told me my son was a rude, imbecile. I went and found my son and tore strips off him and made him go and find the teacher to apologise. Awful of me, I know!
Not once did I listen to his side of the story. I had my own values in place. I was more worried about what this teacher would think about my child and what she would say to other teachers rather than listening to how my child felt and asking what had happened.
As time went on, I realised this teacher was a ‘drama queen’ and constantly overreacted to her students' brilliant minds if they differed from hers. My child had a very interesting, intelligent way of looking at the world and often his views and debates were logical and warranted.
I wounded the connection between my son and I because I was more worried about how things looked. I feel sad about this even today when I think about it. We have a beautiful relationship now but I acted poorly back then and I’m not proud of it.
I take time to consider my reaction now and this took a LONG time to learn. If I want to truly connect with people I love, I need to calm down, not overreact and have an open heart and mind and empathise with the situation at hand wholeheartedly.
It’s important to look at all perspectives and understand the emotion before we make rash decisions and react in a way that can cause harm. It’s a process and one I think that will take me a lifetime to truly master. That is ok.
Awareness is good and so is trying to always be better.
Realise your shortcomings and keep realising them as you grow, mature and change. If you can examine yourself and try to be better, you WILL develop deeper connections with the people you adore as your integrity shines through.
There are many ways to do this if you are not good with words. Many ways.
People underestimate the giving of food, the making of food, the growing of food. If someone you love is grieving, depressed, anxious, overwhelmed, sad, has done a good job, got a promotion…take them a meal, a treat, a favourite dish. We communicate ‘connection’ through food.
It may sound simple and frivolous but when the WORST things have happened in my life, the people who loved me, brought me food, cooked me food or took me out for food. It warmed my soul and you can warm someone else's soul today with food for a greater connection.
If you can do it with words, it doesn’t have to be exhaustive or poetic. Send a simple text without pressure that goes like this: ‘No need to reply. Just a check in to say I’m thinking of you and have a beautiful day’. Simple is good.
Nurture your relationship by saying sorry and admitting when your behaviour has not been its best. It’s not easy to do but it’s important. Being genuinely sorry will almost always open up the conversation to further understanding.
Connection needs action. You cannot create a deep meaningful connection without showing love and support. You need to be ‘love’ to receive love. You need to show up with kindness, compassion, humility, empathy, vulnerability and of course food (haha) to create a connection that curls your toes.
So think about who you want to truly connect with and buy them some crusty bread, my friends.
This seems like an easy thing to do and say but I've observed that it is not easy for many people, for many reasons. Here’s the thing, you can be connected to lots of people but if you want deep meaningful connection you need to put in the big bucks. And those big bucks are loyalty and honesty.
You cannot have a deep meaningful connection with a girlfriend if you happily sit in on a mean conversation about her and don’t speak up or decide to remove yourself from the conversation.
Is it easy to stay sitting there and be quiet?
Is it easy to smile and not make waves?
Do you think you’ll just be friends with everyone?
Hell yes it’s easier!
But guess what?
Your friend will soon find out how much you do or do not value them.
Your friend will soon realise how much you cheer for them, how much you have their back and how much you are willing to support them.
No support when they aren’t there in the room with you, means frivolous connection.
Loyalty must take place in their absence. You must be genuine, sincere and honourable to them and they need to feel confident that you will love, support and cherish them too.
The same goes for your relationship. You cannot have a deep meaningful connection if you aren’t willing to be loyal to your partner and be honest about what you do, who you do it with and what’s bothering you.
So deep meaningful connection is not for the masses.
It takes hard work and devotion. If you’re lucky you will have one, two or maybe you can count them on one hand, the people who will stand up for you in real adversity, the people who will love you, the people who will honour you.
Who would you confidently go to war with?
Who would fight alongside you and protect you?
If you can name a person, be loyal to that person in every way. Be open, communicate and constantly work things out to keep your connection deep and meaningful. It is so worth the effort!
Stay loyal, stay honest, stay transparent and you will experience incredible rewards from that behaviour.
Who do you gravitate towards?
We often gravitate towards people who have experienced the same things we have in life and this usually happens because they understand our pain, our fear, our trauma. But it is more than that. It is also because they have the same moral compass and values as us.
Opinions can be varied but people who act in a way that feels right to us are very easy to connect with.
Integrity is important for connection so when we feel that someone aligns their morals with ours, we often feel like we are home.
I actually included a poem from the ‘Soul Whisperer’ poetry book titled ‘Unexpected Friend’. This person came into my life and just cradled my heart when I needed it most.
Here is a stanza from the poem that explains it:
‘You made me smile during the tsunami.
And cha cha in the dense undergrowth, where my heels
kept getting snagged on the twigs.’
She took my pain and put some comedy to it, some experience to it and wrapped it up in support and love. She had dealt with her own pain in ways that aligned with my values and there we were… kindred spirits in our grief but warriors in our rebirth.
Deep, meaningful connection is drawn from people who have walked in our shoes, who know the heartache and who can elevate us out of it through good, sound moral advice from their own experiences.The trick is finding these people and being open to their love.
I think the universe sends them to us and if we are open to help, we will get it.
Stay open, stay strong, stay aware.
Finally I think we are all looking for deep meaningful connections in this life. I think we are hardwired that way.
I hope these 5 tips work for you and you find deep connection that oozes right into your soul. But also never underestimate the power of reading motivational books, working on your own self development and giving back to society.
If you improve your brain, your heart and your actions, you will be rewarded with rich, meaningful relationships.
All power to you!
Big wild love. x